Why I Refuse to Read Certain Books: Personal Insights and Reflections

I am so stubborn. Despite my Master of Arts in English, I have conscientiously avoided reading the great American novel, Moby Dick. This decision was not based on the length or my disdain for Melville. Rather, it stemmed from a particularly unpleasant experience with a professor who tarnished my perception of the book.

Moby Dick and Dr. Ahab

Dr. Ahab, a visiting professor from afar, left a lasting and negative impression on me. His demeanor was not that of an educator but of an egotistical pontificator. Initially, I signed up for his course, eager to learn more about Melville. However, his first lecture did not set the tone for any productive learning environment. He spent most of the class recapping his academic credentials and left little time for substantive engagement.

Moreover, while he assigned readings, he failed to provide any meaningful guidance or analysis. After our first essay, he created a chart that bore witness to his supposed brilliance, but it seemed more like a facade to hide his lack of genuine pedagogical skills. The profitless nature of his class, combined with his abrasive personality, transformed what could have been an enriching experience into a disheartening one.

The Woman in Black and Childhood Trauma

My reluctant relationship with books is not solely tied to academic experiences. The unsettling memories associated with The Woman in Black have deterring me from even opening the book. This stems from a deeply ingrained fear rooted in my childhood traumatic experience.

A Fearful Evening in Childhood

It was a dark and stormy weekend. I was 5 years old, and my half-sister and her family had 4 of us—my brother, 11; my half-sister, 17; and her half-sister, 14—hanging around a house by ourselves. In the early evening, we had nothing better to do than to choose a film to watch. However, my aversion to this idea was palpable. I simply wanted to go to bed.

My half-sister, displaying an unkind cheek, threatened to withhold breakfast if I persisted with my bedtime theme. Perverted by the guarantee of missing my most important meal of the day, I relented and joined them in the living room. Little did I know, what was to come would haunt me for a lifetime.

The entire experience was a nightmare born from a single film. To this day, I recall the scenes from The Woman in Black as vividly as if I had watched it yesterday. The psychological impact it had on me was severe. Weeks later, when I brought up the incident with my half-sister, she seemed completely oblivious to her actions.

My refusal to read _The Woman in Black_ is a result of this trauma. Not only do I refuse to read the book, but I also feel compelled to avoid rewatching the film that left such a profound and frightening impact on me.

Finding Closure and Resolution

The lessons from both Moby Dick and The Woman in Black serve as a reminder of the profound impact that early traumatic experiences can have. Over time, I have learned to cope with these memories and occasionally revisit the past, seeking to find closure and understand the roots of my fear.

If you have ever found yourself in a similar position, consider apologizing for the harm you may have unintentionally caused. We often forget how the choices we make as adults can still have a significant impact on those we once hurt.

However, the beauty of reading lies in its ability to change our perceptions and attitudes. With each page, we have an opportunity to either corroborate or challenge our preconceived notions. Therefore, it is essential to approach reading with an open mind and a willingness to learn.