Can Overly Polite Communication Lead to Tension or Hostility?

In the realm of communication, the line between politeness and potential discord can often be thin and permeable. Yes, being overly polite can sometimes escalate tensions and foster feelings of hostility. This might seem counterintuitive, but let's unravel why and explore how to navigate such scenarios with grace and clarity.

Understanding the Dynamics of Politeness and Hostility

Politeness, when excessively used, can sometimes come across as patronizing, making the recipient feel as though they are being judged or criticized. This can cause defensiveness and even hostility. Psychological research suggests that when people perceive others as condescending, even when the intention was to be polite, it can trigger feelings of inferiority or injustice (Berns, 2002).

Take, for example, a conversation where you are consistently using phrases like 'please' and 'thank you' with someone who may not fully appreciate or respond positively to such formalities. Their initial reactions might be positive, but if they misinterpret the tone or your intentions, the recipient might feel condescended. This can lead to a breakdown in communication, where the polite attempts are met with anger or annoyance.

The Psychology Behind 'Invincible Courtesy'

The authors' experience with handling such situations involves maintaining a 'star to steer by' known as 'invincible courtesy.' This principle emphasizes the importance of upholding courtesy even in the face of provocation. This approach can be likened to the concept of 'civil disobedience' in political philosophy, where one's adherence to a moral principle is more important than conforming to an unjust system (Gandhi, 1994).

By adhering to this 'star,' one can navigate through a wide range of interactions with a sense of calm and purpose. This mental anchor helps filter out negative behaviors and focus on the underlying human dignity and mutual respect. The key is to maintain a resolute yet kind demeanor, allowing any subsequent reactions to be met with an even stronger, yet calm, sense of invincibility.

Strategies for Responding to Hostile Interactions

When faced with someone who bristles at your polite attempts, it's crucial to approach the situation carefully. The following steps outline a practical approach:

Assume Best Intentions: Approach the situation with the assumption that the other person is at their best possible self. This mindset can prevent misinterpretation and help foster a more positive interaction. Stay Focused: Stay focused on your goal of maintaining courtesy, even if the other person behaves antagonistically. This can help you maintain composure and provide a stable anchor for the interaction. Communicate Clearly: Clearly convey your intentions and actions, ensuring that your words and actions align with your polite yet firm stance. This can help the other person understand that you are seeking a peaceful resolution rather than a confrontation. Seek Understanding: Strive to understand the other person's perspective, even if they are being hostile. This can help de-escalate tension and create a platform for mutual respect. Practice Mercy: Even when the other person is hostile, maintain a merciful attitude. This not only helps in maintaining your own emotional balance but also sets the stage for a more positive interaction.

In conclusion, while being overly polite can sometimes lead to tension and hostility, adopting a strong yet courteous demeanor can help navigate such situations. By assuming best intentions, staying focused, and maintaining clear communication, one can transform even the most hostile interactions into opportunities for mutual respect and understanding.

References

Berns, M. (2002). The Polite Radical: Leadership Through Civility. PublicAffairs.

Gandhi, M. (1994). Non-Violent Resistance. Beacon Press.